“Anyone who is observant, who discovers the person they have always dreamed of, knows that sexual energy comes into play before sex even takes place. The greatest pleasure isn’t sex, but the passion with which it is practiced. When the passion is intense, then sex joins in to complete the dance, but it is never the principal aim.”― Paulo Coelho
Click Below for Audio Version
First, it is completely normal to feel insecurities about yourself and your body when getting intimate with someone. Having sex is the ultimate way of being vulnerable and everyone has the same feelings of self-debt that creep in. Most people think about their body of how it looks and then also about how they will perform so just know that you are not alone. Sex is a huge part of life and it is something that should be pleasurable instead of something we fear because of how we look. I’ve come up with a few tips that have helped me become more comfortable with my body during sex and with my sexuality in general and wanted to share with people who face the same struggles. These tips include looking at sex as something fun and erotic rather than dirty and challenging. Bringing more connection and passion than focusing on the body. These tips should help you get more comfortable with who you are and what you want so that you can have the best sex life ever!
Know Who You Are and What You Want. If you have been reading my blogs, you will know I am all about self-awareness. This is the first step into becoming comfortable with yourself and your body during sex. This is where you will explore yourself without your partner and recognize how comfortable you are with sex itself. Ask yourself questions like, “What is it that I enjoy most about sex?”, “What do I want to improve in my sex life?” “What turns me on?”, “What fantasies do I have?”, “Do I want casual sex or a long-term relationship?”, “How’s my sex life with my current partner?” Again, we are not focusing first on the body but first about who we are and what we want. Sometimes when we don’t know ourselves sexually or what we want we are not prepared and feel self-doubt when we are getting intimate with someone. A lot of us don’t think about sex more than just the act and orgasm and that's it. There is so much more to sex than just the act that we need to think about in order to know who we are and what we want out of our sex lives. Sex should not be about validation that is where it can get messy with tying your self-worth into it. When you know who you are and what you want you don’t need validation from sex or a relationship, so this step is first and foremost important.
Think of the Connection Before Your Body. I believe that when sex stops in a relationship it is more about the troubles with intimacy than how someone’s body has changed or looks. When you first start dating someone you may fear the first time they are seeing you naked. Really sex is seeing ourselves naked but more naked in vulnerability. In this moment we are surrendering our body, mind and souls and that is scary as hell. What we are really thinking is “are they going to like/love me for who I am?” Focus more on the connection you have with this person and the energy that is there. If you are both turned on and like each other than that is all that matters. If they are a superficial douche/bitch, then they will judge you harshly on your body and this is a red flag for you to get out before its too late in that relationship. If you are looking for a healthy adult long-term relationship there will be much more to life in that relationship than “perfect bodies.” When self-doubt creeps in about how your body looks try focusing on things that turn you on about your partner and the connection you two have. Also, try a little erotic talk and ask your partner what it is they like about you so that it will boost your confidence. Don’t point out your flaws to your partner because they probably weren’t thinking about your “flaws” before you pointed them out. Confidence and feeling your connection will lead to a better sexual experience.
Married couples or people that have been in long-term relationships think they have to “spice up” their sex lives because it seems to have gotten dull or maybe less sex is happening. Most of the time as said above it is because you may no longer know your partner or have been distant with each other. In this time, it is important to bring back the intimacy not necessarily “spicing it up.” Sure, you can go to a sex store and buy some toys and think of new things but your intimacy and connection has to be healthy and looked at before you do those things.
Get to Know Your Body. Sex sells and so we have been sold the idea of how our bodies should look. This is also why watching porn isn’t the best because it can also paint a picture in your mind about how women should look and how to perform. Forget the painted pictures from TV, Hollywood, magazines etc. That will only make you feel worse about yourself. Instead get to know your body. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror naked? Have you worn sexy lingerie and flirted with yourself in the mirror? If you said no I encourage you to try. When you get comfortable with looking at yourself and can say back to the mirror “what a sexy beast I am” you can start to get comfortable in your own skin instead of trying to get out of it. I know it sounds silly but practicing some sex moves in the mirror by yourself as well as exploring what you like, and dislike can help you greatly be prepared for when it comes time to the real thing. Think of sex as erotic and not dirty. Women can sometimes feel afraid of exploring their sexuality because of how we may be judged. We don’t have to think of ourselves as dirty or wrong. We are human beings and if we didn’t have sexual attraction, or feelings well we wouldn’t procreate.
What do you fear when you are intimate?